Which is your favourite sport?

Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though they've been around for more than 50 years, the members of the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us? With apologies to the late Charles Schulz:

Charlie Brown:
Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses.

Bank Line

With only two tellers working at the bank, the line a man was standing in was moving very slowly. As he waited, he began to fill in his withdrawal slip. Not sure of the date, he turned and asked the woman behind him.

"It's the fifth," she replied.

A man from the back of the line advised, "Don't write it in yet!"

Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.

How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.

Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.

Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.

What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.

What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?
It's mashing!

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets.

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
 

***

You know you're drinking too much coffee when.

You lick the coffee pot clean.
You sleep with your eyes open.
The energizer bunny wears out before you do.
All your kids are named Joe.
You want to be cremated so you can spend eternity in a coffee tin.
Your survival kit contains a pound of coffee and a grinder.
You answer the door before anyone knocks.
You channel surf faster without a remote.

Bad Eyesight

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

First Haircut

A man was getting his hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in his two-year-old son for his first haircut.

Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."

--
Rate this funny at
http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20081009

A man approached an ice cream van and said, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."

The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate."

"In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."

"You don't understand, sir," the girl said. "We have no chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate," he insisted.

From "The Good, Clean Funnies List"

ADULT:
>A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
>A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
>Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
>The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
> A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
> Mud with the juice squeezed out.

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you would have $49.00 left. 

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. 

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214.00 cash. 

A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart which contained, among other things, a screaming baby. As the man proceeded along the aisles, he kept repeating softly, "Keep calm, Thomas. Don't get excited, Thomas. Don't yell, Thomas."

A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients came and went. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep." Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress.

http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20080929

Due to the recent down turn in our financial system I approve this message.

One morning a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he quickly answered, then ran off to work.

I posted this at another site, but thought it was kinda funny, so I decided to put it here, too!  See if you can figure out where it's heading.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

I really needed a few days off from work, but I knew the boss wouldn't give me time off. I thought that maybe if I acted "crazy," then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so the boss might think I was desperately in need of a few days off.

A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

I guess this story centers on self esteem. What builds one person's sense of self worth may mean nothing to another. For example, I am male. Getting my hair done or buying a cute new pair of shoes is a complete zero. Nada. Nothing. But having a fast car? Ha! That is pure testosterone!

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready.

The Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir:

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. 

One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. 

I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away. 

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. 

I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." 

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... 

Haven't seen one back since!!!"

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They
parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the
other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window
watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

A mother put a roast in the oven one noon hour and set the timer; a feature she
hadn't used yet. Before leaving work that afternoon, she phoned her
14-year-old son to ask him to check the roast and peel some potatoes.
Minutes later he called back. "Mom, the roast isn't cooked. The oven didn't come on."

The
roast was on the menu again the following day, but this time, since she
stopped by the house after a business lunch, she decided to turn the oven
on herself. Again before leaving work, she called her son to check the

Found elsewhere, but had to share it here...

The Cats' Bill Of Rights 

1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime s/he wants. 

2. A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to the fulfillment of a feline's whims, shall not be infringed. In other words: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime s/he wants. 

The Top 10 Things Not to Say or Do at Your Child's Bedtime

10. Recall your worst nightmare.

9. "Hurry up and get to sleep so I can have some ice cream."

8. Bring in the new puppy.

7. "You keep your Halloween candy next to your dresser, right?"

6. "Did you know that, due to its relative body weight and wing span, a bumblebee technically cannot fly?"

5. Start singing a song to which you don't know all the lyrics.

4. "Don't let the bed bugs bite."

3. "As soon as you're asleep, your mom and I are going off to TOYS-R-US."

The Top 10 Things Your Child Will Surely Say Next Time You Have Company

10. "Daddy, how long are they staying?"

9. "Anybody want to play Twister?"

8. "I better warn you people. My dad only paid me for an hour of good behavior."

7. "Dad, can I turn off the Barry Manilow tape now?"

6. "Hey, didn't he used to be thinner?"

5. "Daaaddddddyyyyyy! I pooooooopppiiiieeed!"

4. "Can I come out of the closet now?"

Top 10 Ways to Intimidate Your Daughter’s Date When He Comes to Pick Her Up

10. Sprinkle some dust on your daughter before she leaves. Explain, “It makes fingerprinting easier.”

9. Challenge him at arm wrestling.

8. Introduce him to your good friend Ken Starr.

7. Walk on stilts.

6. Casually show him your collection of five shrunken heads, then yell up to your daughter, “Number six is here.”

5. Come to the door bare-chested. Do a lot of flexing.

Top 10 Lame-brained, Foot-in-mouth Compliments from a Husand to His Wife

10. “You look great for a woman who has had four kids.”

9. “This is almost as good as mom used to make.”

8. “Thanks for the new shirt. It’ll be great for working on the car.”

7. “That’s a great new hairdo, Honey. How much did it cost?”

6. “I never knew you could sing that close to pitch.”

5. “I like it when you wait until halftime to vacuum.”

4. “Whaddaya want me to say? Okay, you look fabulous.”

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Live to 100

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

Mane Troubles

The farmer didn't like to use a tractor on his small holding. He preferred to have his draft horses pull his plow and wagons. Unfortunately, a group of small birds insisted on forming nests in the horses' manes, which prevented him from hitching the reins properly.

Little Known Illnesses

AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.

DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.

Questions About the 2010 Olympics

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, people all over the world are asking questions. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
(Frightening, isn't it?)

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Share and Share Alike

An elderly couple walks into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries, and one drink.

Babysitting

With some misgivings, we left a young babysitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.

I went to check on the children and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.

"The babysitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

Noise Under the Floor

My bathroom is in the back of the house and it's hard to hear when anyone is on the property.

Forced Landing

A flight instructor was sent out to help a trainee who had radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge to his professional reputation.

With determination, full flaps and engine just above the stall, he maneuvered into the field. Climbing out, he shouted angrily to the trainee, "Just how did you manage to get into such a small field?"

The Wayside Chapel

WHAT IS BLACK AND WHITE & RED ALL OVER? A ZEBRA WITH DIAPER RASH.