Could He Have Another Girl?

Chances are, you've worried that your guy
might have a fling or fall for someone else. But there's a new kind of
infidelity you probably haven't considered. These days, more and more people are
secretly getting involved in two relationships at the same time. These dating
polygamists aren't just playing the field, nor are they cheaters sneaking off
for sex on the side. "They want the emotional connection of a relationship,"
says Marcella Bakur Weiner, Ph.D., coauthor of Cheaters. "But they can't,
or won't, choose between partners."

Concerned your guy could be doing
double duty? We explore why there are a growing number of amorous con artists
and how they pull off such complicated betrayals. We even cover why more women
are doing it too.

Why It's Happening
One reason why dating
polygamy is becoming so popular is because it's easier than ever to hook up with
people outside of your social circle. The increase in business travel is
partially to blame. "Traveling can get lonely, so for some, the solution is to
have someone in each port," says Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D., author of Red
Flags: How to Know When You're Dating a Loser. And they don't have to worry
about their love lives intersecting, because their simultaneous significant
others never meet.

But it is possible to pull off two secret
relationships in the same town. Friendships these days are so segmented:
Coworkers don't necessarily know gym buddies who don't necessarily know friends
from high school. "We live in a world that is tailor-made for lying," says Sally
Caldwell, Ph.D., author of Romantic Deception. "When people socialize in
different environments, they don't necessarily have to tell the whole truth
about themselves because there's no one there to call them out."

And the
emergence of online dating is making it even easier, according to Tony
DeLorenzo, a private investigator based in New Jersey. In the last three years,
he's noticed a 15 percent increase in the number of women looking for dirt on
suspicious boyfriends. "They're dating a guy they've met on the Web and they
don't know anything about him," says DeLorenzo. "In many cases, we find that the
men already have girlfriends."

Although the stage is set to pursue
multiple partners, the constant sneaking around, lying, and emotional drama can
be mentally and physically exhausting. So, why would anyone go through all that
hassle?

Why They Do It
Most dating polygamists, though selfish,
don't seek out these sketchy situations. "More times than not, they genuinely
care about the people they're involved with," says Aumiller. For some, like
Dan*, 26, it just happens. "I was in love with a sweet, down-to-earth woman when
I met this adventurous party girl and fell hard. I admit, at first it was just
plain cheating, but then I found myself in serious relationships with both and
couldn't decide between them. It was torturous." Others thrive on the thrill factor. "They
get a rush from the near misses and crafty planning that it takes," says
Aumiller. Jim, 34, felt that way: "I got off on the cloak-and-dagger aspect. The
constant fear that one of the girls might show up made life exciting." It's also
the ultimate power play. "Men like the ego boost of having more than one person
who's devoted to them," says Aumiller. "Plus, they feel dominant because they're
calling the shots."

For many women, dating polygamy serves as a kind of
emotional insurance policy. "If things don't work out with one guy, at least
they have the other one," says Weiner. Take Sarah, 22, who secretly juggled two
guys for six months. "When things started to get serious with two men, I
realized that I didn't have to sit around waiting for the phone to ring anymore
like I'd always done. Finally, I was running the show."

How They
Do It
Pulling off such an elaborate two-timing scheme might seem
like a mission impossible, but the dating polygamists have it down to a science.
Rob, 27, uses his flaky, elusive personality to his advantage. "I keep the
different groups in my life separate, I rarely tell my roommates where I am, and
I don't fill my parents in on my love life. I'm already kind of flighty, so when
my girlfriends can't reach me, they just think it's typical." Being unreachable
is key: Rob always leaves his cell phone at home when he's with one of his
ladies, and Dan puts his on silent or just turns it off.

Sarah would pick
up her phone, but then she would make excuses as to why she couldn't get
together with him. "If one of my guys wanted to come over while I was with the
other one, I'd walk into another room and say ‘I'm so tired, I can hardly move
off the couch.'"

Dating polygamists have to be even wilier when it comes
to holidays. Some are just vague about their plans; others will blow off the
celebration completely. When Valentine's Day rolled around, Sarah brushed off
beau number one by telling him "I'm not into that holiday." Meanwhile, she was
off having a romantic getaway with beau number two. "It was pretty exciting,"
she says. "After a while, though, it became too emotionally taxing to keep
up."

That seems to be the general sentiment: It gets tiring. "They end up
settling on one partner because the manipulating becomes too draining," says
Weiner. "In other cases, their feelings for one person become so strong that the
other person becomes a burden."

Thankfully, dating polygamists are still
a fairly rare breed. But just in case, you might want to swing by your
boyfriend's place unannounced one day.