5 Talking Mistakes Most Couples Make

You and your man may think you know each
other inside and out. But even the most in-tune twosomes can slip up. “Many
couples unknowingly have bad communication habits,” says psychologist Steve
Stephens, PhD, author of Lost in Translation. “They’re so subtle that
often they don’t create conflict in the moment, but when they happen
consistently, they can make partners feel less connected.”

To avoid these
pitfalls, you first have to recognize them. So we outlined five that are
extremely common, even among the closest couples. Use our experts’ advice to
prevent future conversational breakdowns... and reach a new level of
bonding.

Mistake 1: Info Gets Left Out
Here’s a prime example
of a couple conversation lapse: You mention to your guy that you’d like to plan
dinner with friends next Thursday. You don’t, however, fill him in on where,
what time, and exactly who’s coming. Not intentionally — just because when
you’re part of a twosome, you tend to talk in a sort of shorthand. Essentially,
you paint the broad strokes, subconsciously expecting your partner to be able to
fill in the details. Of course, later, when he’s like “Huh, dinner?” you wind up
getting pissed.

“The way couples speak to each other is very different
from how they speak to friends,” points out Stephens. “They leave out key
information simply because they’re so used to being together that they think of
themselves as one entity or they figure that their boyfriend or girlfriend will
understand them enough to get what’s unspoken. Then, when that doesn’t happen,
feelings are bruised, people feel ignored… all sorts of problems
arise.”

A relationship setback for sure, but once you’re aware of it,
it’s easily fixed. First, be deliberate when you’re relaying important
information to your guy — the way you would be if you were talking to anyone
else. And when he tells you something, ask for the nitty-gritty instead of
accepting the gloss-over. “With key stuff, have a conversation about it,” says
psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of Emotional Fitness for
Couples. “Or even type it out in an e-mail so you know for sure you get all
the details down.”

Mistake 2: Timing Is Off
Something all women
need to know is that it’s nearly impossible to have a discussion with your guy
when he’s in front of the TV. You may think that because he’s sitting there,
he’s a captive audience, but nope, wrong. “Men can’t mentally multitask,” says
Stephens. “When he’s watching TV, he gets sucked in by the visual stimuli.
Essentially, the rest of his brain shuts down, so he can’t converse
too.”

On the flip side, you may have noticed that your guy brings up
serious topics right as you’re getting ready for work or maybe paying your bills
online. It’s not that he’s oblivious to the fact that you’re busy; he’s actually
kind of doing it on purpose. “Men are uncomfortable having deep conversations,
so your guy will start one when you’re occupied with something else,” explains
Stephens. “That way, you won’t be as focused on him.”

Predictably,
picking the wrong time to chat usually takes a wrong turn. “The person being
bothered becomes annoyed, and the person initiating the conversation feels
dismissed,” says Beverly Hills, California, clinical psychologist Cara
Gardenswartz, PhD. So a good plan of action is to ask “Is this a good time to
talk? I want to figure out if we should book that vacation or not.” Why the
briefing? Goldsmith explains, “It’s important to add what it is you want to
discuss so your partner can decide if it’s something that can wait or not.” If
you do it enough, you’ll see that he’ll start to pick up the same talking habit.
And if you’re angling for a serious conversation with him, try to pick a time
when you’re both doing something mindless and without deep eye contact — like
driving in the car or hiking or cooking. Because you’re casually involved in
another activity, it’s a more relaxed, nonthreatening environment for him to
open up.

Mistake 3: The Talk Reeks of Doom
In an attempt to
soften a blow, women will often preface the conversation with “Okay, so don’t
freak out” or “You’re not going to like this, but....” Come on, wouldn’t that
put you on edge? “Instead of preparing him, it winds up stressing him out even
more, setting off warning bells in his brain,” says Goldsmith. The reason it’s
so hard to just dive right in and say what’s on your mind: “Women like to
prepare for a problem, to warm up to it rather than abruptly tackle it, even
with issues that aren’t that major,” explains Stephens. “But men hear it as a
signal to gear up to get defensive, thus making it a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
When he hears that disclaimer, he prepares to fight you, even if it’s just about
borrowing his car to go to the store. Instead of jump-starting his heart attack
with a statement like “Brace yourself for bad news,” try a gentler approach,
like “This isn’t really a big deal, but would you be up for going to my
grandma’s 80th birthday this weekend?” You’ll get a much more positive response.

Mistake 4: It Turns into a Monologue
It’s definitely
frustrating: You’re telling your guy a story and, halfway through, his eyes
glaze over and you know that he’s hit his mental mute button. It’s not that he
doesn’t care about what happened when you went out last Saturday. It’s just that
what your friends consider a standard-issue story comes across to him like a
verbal tornado.

Put simply, he is not equipped for all the minor details.
“Guys have a three-minute window where they can listen closely, but when your
description goes on for longer than that, you’ve lost him,” says Stephens. “Then
you inevitably end up getting mad at him for not paying attention to you or not
chiming in.”

There are two ways to combat this problem. First, be
sensitive to the fact that he can only listen to you, uninterrupted, for so
long. “Try to catch yourself if you start going on, and throw in a question to
get him involved again — essentially rehooking him in,” suggests Stephens. “It’s
easy for him to zone out when he’s just listening, but as soon as you engage
him, he’s forced to be present in the conversation.” Also, touching his arm or
leg as you’re talking is a physical way to connect with him and bring him back
to the moment.

Mistake 5: There Are No
Boundaries
Honesty’s a great thing in general, but it’s really
overrated at certain times. Cases in point: You don’t actually want to hear that
your dress makes you look heavy, and he could live without knowing that your
number of ex-lovers is in the double digits. “Couples make the mistake of
thinking that they have to learn everything about each other and share all their
thoughts and have no secrets, but that’s simply not true,” says Stephens. “I
call it reckless honesty when you’re revealing stuff that doesn’t have a
constructive purpose and will do more harm than good.” And believe it or not,
that includes your frustrations with each other. “Not all annoyances need to be
addressed and dissected,” says Goldsmith. “Sometimes, bringing up a small
temporary pet peeve will only serve to insult and offend your partner; it’s
often best to try to deal.” So you hate his new sweater — whatever. He’ll get
sick of it eventually. Really, just think about the greater good: a happy union
where you get each other but not every teeny thing about each other.