My wife has become too fat for me

Q. I am not physically
attracted to my wife. Her physical appearance has always been an issue and it
only gets worse. She has put on a considerable amount of weight. This is very
unattractive to me.

I’ve tried to hint to her — tactfully; I'm not
insensitive — that it bothers me, but she only gets offended. It seems like it’s
not my place to say so anymore. Instead, there's this gnawing silence and
growing indifference to sex.

I’d like to say that she is so beautiful inside that the
outside doesn't matter. But that's not true. In many ways — children, finances,
practical things — we communicate well. I respect her and she’s a good mom. But
this is a wall between us and an increasing source of emotional distress,
anguish, loss of intimacy and hormonal hell. What do you suggest?

A. I get this question
often from both men and women: What should they do when their spouse has grown
heavier and is no longer physically appealing?

First of all, if you are not especially attracted to your
partner from the beginning, as you mentioned, this will not likely change. You
should have considered from the start whether this is the right spouse for you,
keeping in mind that physical attraction does matter. Over time, people rarely
get thinner or better-looking.

You haven't really done your wife any favors. Put
yourself in your wife’s shoes: Think how horrible it must feel to be married to
someone who doesn’t find you physically attractive.

Healthy couples often become more attractive to each
other over time because of their fond feelings and shared history. Plenty of
couples continue to have wonderful sex lives despite growing plump and even
obese (although obesity should still be avoided, since it can cause health
problems).

Your turned-off feelings likely have to do with a lot
more than weight. I suspect there are other issues that are harder to pinpoint:
You are angry at your wife, you feel awkward being honest with her, you have let
your lives become dominated by workday things, you have trouble
communicating.

I’m not saying that having an overweight spouse has no
impact on your sex life. Sure, your wife might be less attractive to you in the
physical sense. And being overweight sends a negative message — that your wife
doesn’t care enough about herself, the marriage or whether you have sex. Now,
you fear saying anything and she feels you are pulling away, so you are wary
around each other, setting off a vicious circle of avoidance and annoyance.

I
think you should figure out what the real problem in your marriage is — in other
words, confront the emotional issues. Explore why she has put on the weight,
what food is replacing for her emotionally and why she isn't tuned in to or
sympathetic to how this is making you feel. Be supportive of your wife rather
than critical or distant.

There is little downside to broaching the subject
directly rather than hinting around. Start not by talking about her weight but
about your marriage, your feelings, your sex life. Then ask how she feels her
weight affects those important things.

If
she wants to lose weight, work on that with her. You can exercise and cook
healthy meals together. Do things other than eat. Don’t sabotage her efforts by
stocking the pantry with junk food. Be her teammate in solving this problem
because plenty of studies have shown that a partner can easily keep their spouse
from losing weight, consciously or unconsciously. Some women will keep weight on
in an attempt to avoid having sex in the first place. If this is the case, then
the solution must go toward the sexual problem first, because the weight is
simply the symptom.