Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective
if your boss is of a different gender than you.

This
is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted
to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was
so honest and funny!

NAME:
Greg Bulmash.

SEX:
Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

1.
They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

2.
This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the
last time management course you sent me to.

3.
Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.

1:
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if
I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2:
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out
of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received
anything at all.

There
is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well,
Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession

approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

10. "The desk clerk is nuts, so whatever room number she gives you,
add three."

9. "I wrote you a note about halfway through your roll of toilet
paper."

8. "Meet me in the whirlpool in twenty minutes."

7. "If you want a bellhop, press '1' on your phone; If you want a
hooker, press '2.'"

6. "Ring this bell again, I'll burn your luggage."

5. "Hey, could you go over to the Ramada and swipe us some towels?"

10. "We ran out of coffee filters, so I'm using one of my old
undershirts."

9. "Try our triple cappuccino -- It's a legal alternative to crack."

8. "Let me make sure that's not too hot."

7. "You know, I licked every one of these stirrers."

6. "One Decaf Venti Skim Latte -- 39 dollars."

5. "Sugar with that?"

4. "Grande Caramel Macchaito? Talk English!"

10. "Vote for me or I'll slash your tires"

9. "Forget universal health care -- I'm buying every American an
XBox"

8. "In a crisis I ask myself, 'What would Tony Danza do?'?

7. "I'd give you my plan for economic recovery if I wasn't rip
stinkin' drunk"

6. "If your last name begins with 'M' through 'Z,' sorry -- your
taxes are doubling"

5. "We're gonna cut the deficit by selling North Dakota to Canada"

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing
into our driveway?"

9.
One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another
is slapping cuffs on you.

1. It
   is always possible to park directly outside any building you
   are visiting.
2. A
   detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
   duty.
3. If
   you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump
   

10. "Leaks brake fluid, transmission fluid and blood"

9. "It can only make left turns"

8. "Ambulances follow you around"

7. "It was rated a "Best Buy" by "Faulty Wiring Magazine""

6. "It has the same battery as your watch"

5. "Heater control is marked "Low," "High" and "Sars""

4. "Page 74 of the owners' manual advises: "Car is for display
purposes only""

3. "Blue book value: $38.75"

10. Dick Cheney needs a new undisclosed location

9. It's part of his "No Planet Left Behind" initiative

8. Great deal on the off-season airfare right now at Expedia.com

7. Maybe we'll find some weapons of mass destruction there

6. We've run out of places on Earth to drill for oil

5. Hoping to get Mork's autograph

4. We cannot back down until the people of Mars hold free elections

3. Dude, free Mars bars

10. "An area of low pressure, which is formed in eastern Canada,
moved quickly southeast... oh, who am I kidding? I have no idea what
I'm talking about"

9. "You didn't hear it from me, but earth has spun out of orbit and
is hurdling away from the sun"

8. "With a Kuchinich Presidency still a slight possibility, hell is
beginning to freeze over"

7. "Who cares about the weather -- "Don't I look great?""

"Finally, a way to get teens interested in current events."

9. "Easy way of fulfilling the station's FCC nudity requirement."

8. "Top story tonight -- I got a new tattoo."

7. "Impressive to watch her do the news while the sports
guy's throwing dollars at her."

6. "Oh geez, I dunno -- Maybe the fact that she's naked!"

1. A
   few crumbs short of a crouton.
2. A
   few clowns short of a circus.
3. A
   few fries short of a Happy Meal.

1. 
   Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
2. Better
   save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
3. "Accept
   this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
4. Bo!
   

1. 
   You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.
2. Your
   bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
3. Your
   eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
4. You
   

10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN
YOU'RE
ON THE ROAD.

8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL
PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN

10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.

9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.

8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by
8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your
tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your
blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open
it.

8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth
Brooks" routine.

10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes
over time.

8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to
send to TV evangelists.

1. Is there another
word for synonym?

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where
all the bad girls live.

1. Take
   shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding
   them at strategic locations.
2. 
   Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set
   all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout
   

Smart
A** Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket
and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing
a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your
stub."

1.The more beautiful
the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with
no hard feelings.

2.Nothing improves with age.

3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take
it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4.Sex has no calories.

It
was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the
famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the
meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite
two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend
to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

An atheist professor was teaching a college class at Alabama and he
told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.  He
said,
"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this
platform.
I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by.

He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
He
got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240 pound football
player in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force

A
visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer.
He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look

on his upturned face,"Without you we are but dust... "

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter(who
waslistening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her

Your
momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her
house

The
ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You
have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can
get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

BARD
- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH
- noun. A highly flammable state just north of
Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

Benign
- What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do You Hear What I Hear?

DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and
Fire Hydrants and...

*
He keeps shaking black crystal ball and says, "Ask again
later."

*
Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"

*
Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.

20.
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19.
Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged
in.

18.
Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

New
Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's
a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert.
The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it"
also applies to the brain.

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A
mama cat and her kitten were walking by.

The
kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we
eat?"

A
brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle.
She rubs it, and you guessed it, a genie appears.

The
genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn
you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice
as much."

Three
Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third
little piggy.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You
have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The
only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,
"May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

SYMPTOM:
Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM:
Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

The
gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make
it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He
who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give
me ambiguity or give me something else.

My
karma ran over your dogma.

I
brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!

A
fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

I'm
not driving fast-just flying low.